Pretty Little Boyfriend
by Luna Darkside
Summary: A kidnapper learns the hazards of kidnapping Kuroba Kaito and demanding a ransom from his not-boyfriend. Oh, the poor, poor man. /ShinKai, oneshot, complete/


_I will admit that this caters to my sense of humor and probably no one else's, but, um, let's hope it's at least a bit amusing? :D_

_Standard warnings (shounen-ai, grammar mistakes / errors) apply. This was written in about forty-five minutes, which may explain its, uh, less than amazing quality._

_Er, well, hope you enjoy! - Luna_

**Pretty Little Boyfriend**

He rubbed his hands together, smiling in the dark warehouse. "This is gonna go perfectly," he told himself, glancing over his shoulder at where the messy-haired kid was unconscious, slumped against the wall. Ropes bound his arms to his sides, and there was a gag tied over his mouth.

With a growing grin on his face, the man stalked towards the knocked-out victim and dug the victim's phone out of his pocket. Scrolling through the list of contacts, he finally reached the one labeled _Kudou Shinichi_.

The man could barely hold back a chuckle. Too easy, too easy.

Tapping the name, the kidnapper pressed the phone to his ear and waited, hearing it ring out.

Three rings later, the person on the other end picked up. "Hey, Kaito? Where are you?"

"Kudou Shinichi?"

A pause, then, flatly, "You're not Kaito, I assume."

"I'm afraid not." The kidnapper giggled, then quickly stopped. Giggling usually didn't evoke much fear in the hearts of his victims' loved ones. "But I do have your pretty little boyfriend here."

"Okay, first of all, he's neither _pretty _nor _little_, and second of all, he's not my boyfriend. He's my best friend." There was suspicion clearly evident in this Kudou Shinichi's tone, which made the kidnapper frown. "Is this a prank, Kaito?"

"What?" Caught off guard, the kidnapped blinked. "A pr – no, this ain't Kuroba Kaito."

"Oh, really?" Kudou sounded skeptical. "Don't think I've forgotten how you can mimic voices. I'm not a complete idiot, no matter what you've said."

This was not… going as expected. The kidnapped scowled, clutching the phone tighter. "Shut the hell up, Kudou Shinichi. This ain't your boyfriend –"

"Like I said, he's not my boyfriend."

"– and this is for real. I've got him right here, all tied up and unconscious. Do you need a picture before you believe me?"

Kudou didn't say anything for a long moment. "Are you really not Kaito?"

"No, for the last time." The kidnapper had to fight to keep from growling unprofessionally. "I picked him off right outside your house. He barely put up a fight."

Something like a – a _scoff _came over the line. "I doubt that, knowing Kaito. You probably just stun-gunned him from behind, didn't you?"

The kidnapper blinked. How had this guy guessed –? Oh, well, it wasn't as if the details mattered. "Yeah, well, that ain't important. What's important is that you bring ten million yen to Beika Park in two hours."

"Aren't you making an unreasonable demand?" asked Kudou. His tone was unexpectedly chastising – and bored. Very bored. "Don't you realize that I'm still a student?"

"Yeah, of course I have," the kidnapper snapped, irritated. If he could have avoided dealing with a brat, he would have done just that.

But the thing was he hadn't had many options when it came to this Kuroba Kaito person. The only other people he'd only ever seen him with were some brunette chick, who he doubted could pay, and some blond kid, who he doubted _would _pay.

Thus, the kid's boyfriend (best friend?), the one who lived in the huge house, was his best bet, in the kidnapper's expert opinion.

"You live in a _mansion_, y'know. And I did my research. Your dad's that mystery writer, and your mom's that actress woman. You've got money to spare." He paused to think. Wait – hadn't that internet search also said something about Kudou Shinichi being some kind of detective…?

"If you really had done your research, you'd know that they're in the States right now. I sincerely doubt I can get ten million yen ready in _two hours_. Maybe two days." Kudou was perfectly disdainful.

Eyebrows raising, the kidnapper glanced over at the tied-up kid. He still looked as if he were out cold. "Yeah, yeah, I ain't got time for that stalling shit. Get the money ready, or this kid's dead."

"Yes, well, I sort of doubt that."

"_Hah_?" Oh for the love of – the kidnapper was absolutely done with this Kudou guy. Wasn't he supposed to _care _about Kuroba?! The way they'd looked at each other the days he'd observed them – they were totally in love, weren't they?

So why was he acting so cheeky, when Kuroba's life was on the line? Was this guy really that cold?

Well, whatever. He just wanted his money. Kuroba and Kudou's weird relationship didn't matter. Snarling, he demanded, "Look here, Kudou, you better listen up. I've got your boyfriend or your best friend or whatever the hell he is right here, and I'm gonna slice him up unless you get ten million ready, you got it?"

A heavy sigh rattled through the connection. "You can try, I suppose. But I advise you to be careful."

"Huh? Try what?"

"'Slicing him up,' as per your last threat. I don't know if that's going to end well for you."

"What the hell are you going on about?" the kidnapper retorted, fingers tightening around the phone so tightly that it shivered sadly in his grasp. "I'm the one who's got him tied up, you bastard!"

"I suppose you do," Kudou muttered reflectively. "Probably not for long, though." There was a short silence, then, "What kind of clothes are you wearing?"

"Wh – what?" Startled by the change in subject, the kidnapper momentarily forgot his anger. "What are you –"

"Answer the question, please."

"Uh…" He glanced down at himself. "Black shirt and pants, I guess. Seriously, what –"

"That's a pity. I'm fairly certain that Kaito brought his dyes today, but since your clothes are too dark… I think he might have the maid costume. That will probably be scarring."

The kidnapper gaped. What the hell was Kudou talking about? Maid costumes? Was he completely _insane_?

"The hell is wrong with you, Kudou?!" he screeched into the phone. "You think this is a game, you goddamn bastard? I can kill your pretty little boyfriend right here and now, and –"

He suddenly felt a shadow looming over him, and in surprise, he whirled around to find – _the hell?! _– a fully conscious Kuroba Kaito standing there. Behind him, the ropes and gag lay in a sad pile.

In front of him, Kuroba Kaito smiled. It was a very, very dangerous smile that promised death and destruction and _oh God this had been _such_ a bad idea_. "What did you just call Shinichi?" he asked, deathly quietly. "A _goddamn bastard_, was it?"

The phone dropped from the kidnapper's hand.

"I told you," Kudou said wearily, "he's neither pretty nor little, and he's also not my boyfriend."

That was the last thing the kidnapper remembered.

* * *

Inspector Megure blinked at the mess in front of him, then rubbed his eyes wearily. "Takagi, get the kidnapper."

At his side, Takagi frowned contemplatively. "Uh…" He coughed, casting the inspector a tentative glance, "…which one is the kidnapper?"

Honestly, between the innocently whistling, cheerful teenager frolicking about and the pink-haired maid costume-clad man lying unconscious on the ground, Inspector Megure wasn't entirely sure.

…But judging from the call he'd gotten from Kudou, he was going to assume it was the one in the maid costume.

"The… unconscious one," he told Takagi, and the officer nodded slowly before approaching the aforementioned unconscious one cautiously.

"Is he okay?" came a familiar voice from behind him, and Inspector Megure turned to find Kudou Shinichi striding towards him nonchalantly.

"Ah, Kudou-kun. Yes, Kuroba-kun is fine," Inspector Megure assured him, motioning at where Kaito was practicing what appeared to be a complicated a card trick.

Shinichi shook his head. "No, I was asking about the kidnapper. How bad did it get?"

"Uh…" The inspector peered over at where Takagi was trying to shake the kidnapper awake. "A bit bad, I guess. But he'll probably be fine."

"Good." Shinichi scrubbed at his face with his hands. He sighed. What was he going to do with Kaito?

It was at that moment that, as if hearing his thoughts, Kaito popped up at his right. "Hey, Shinichi!" he beamed, the picture of cheer.

Shinichi eyed him suspiciously. "What did you do to the poor man?"

"Huh? Nothing, really," Kaito answered evasively. "Just the costume."

The look Shinichi shot him was nothing short of incredulous. "So he was born with pink hair?"

"And… dyed his hair."

"…and?"

Pouting, Kaito crossed his arms across his chest. "Why do you think I did anything worse than that?"

"Because I _know _you, Kaito. And you're nothing if not pettily vengeful."

"I resent that." Kaito glared before he sobered. "It wasn't without reason, you know. He called you a 'goddamn bastard,' after all."

"You…" With a sigh, Shinichi patted him on the shoulder. As gently as he could, he said, "That's not a problem. What do you expect from a kidnapper, after all?"

Kaito wasn't comforted, though. Looking away, he grumbled, "And you didn't even care that I was in danger."

"What are you talking about?" Shinichi stared in bewilderment.

"You know. You were messing with the kidnapper while he threatened to kill me. Clearly you weren't worried in the slightest." Kaito exhaled. "I mean, I guess that's fine, but I was just… surprised, I guess."

Shinichi clenched his jaw. Seeing Kaito all depressed and quiet because of something he'd done always made his chest hurt a little. Disturbingly so, he had to admit, but nonetheless, the feeling that he'd somehow let Kaito down made him burn, burn in the hottest flame.

Because it was simply unacceptable.

So Shinichi reached out and wrapped his arms around Kaito, holding him tightly. The magician started, surprised.

"H-Hey –"

"Don't be ridiculous," Shinichi growled into his hair. "Of course I was scared. But at the same time, I trusted that you could take care of yourself. I have that much faith in you, at the very least."

Against his chest, Kaito made a soft sound. They stood, locked together, for a long moment.

Then, "Shinichi –"

"What _now_?" groused the detective, pulling back to look Kaito in the eyes, though his annoyance was fond and relieved around the edges.

"I was just wondering… you kept correcting the kidnapper whenever he mentioned me being your boyfriend. Is that – is the idea just that weird?"

Taken aback, Shinichi gawped at him. "You – that's –" Unexpectedly, he felt his face heat up. "I assumed you didn't want – because, you know…" He swallowed. "I mean, I thought you were opposed to… it."

Kaito's gaze was unsteady, but he did manage to meet Shinichi's gaze. "I'm… not."

"…Oh. Okay."

With that stunningly eloquent confession, Shinichi took one step forward and kissed Kaito full on the mouth.

Kaito's hands lifted to fist in the back of Shinichi's shirt, dragging him closer and deeper, and Shinichi hummed, lacing his fingers through Kaito's hair. Something about this –something about this was so incredibly right, so incredibly good, so incredibly _perfect _–

They were interrupted, however, when someone gave a polite cough and both of them simultaneously remembered that they were standing in the middle of an abandoned warehouse with half the police force surrounding them.

Shinichi stepped away so quickly he nearly left an afterimage.

Inspector Megure blinked at them. Shinichi thought he could detect red in his face. "I – I apologize for the interruption, but Kuroba-kun, if I could get your statement…?"

As Shinichi hurried to apologize and Kaito grinned unrepentantly, the kidnapper glared as he was stuffed into the backseat of a police car. "Damn liar. Kuroba _is _his boyfriend, ain't he?"

* * *

**...*pokes head out from underneath rock* Yes, I know, I have an odd sense of humor. We shall just pretend it's normal.**

**Well, hope you enjoyed! Please consider leaving me a review, k? See you around, my darlings! - Luna**


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